Beer will help my bones but shrink my brain. Which should I sacrifice, wonders Michael Deacon

For years I’ve tried to hide it but at last I must confess: I have a problem. It’s my drinking. And I’m terribly worried. Either I’m drinking too much – or I’m not drinking enough.

So science tells me, at any rate. Seemingly every week sees the publication of new research into the effects on health of alcohol consumption – and each set of results appears to contradict the last. Last week it was reported that drinking half a glass of wine a day adds five years to your life. Excellent, I’ll stick at it.

But hang on. Does that override the results published in February that said one small glass of wine a day increases the risk of throat cancer? I’m ashamed to say I didn’t study science beyond GCSE level but my understanding is that cancer tends to shorten your lifespan, rather than lengthen it.

Then again, in November, research showed that a substance found in red wine could help to mend damaged backs. Great news. But while I’m sinking red wine to sort out my back, I’m simultaneously increasing my risk of heart failure (according to research from last February). Beer will help my bones (March) but shrink my brain (May 2007). Oh dear: which is more important to me, my skeleton or my mind? I wonder which one I should sacrifice to save the other.

Drinking wine improves the memory (December). But drinking wine weakens the memory (October).

It’s all too difficult. Perhaps I should give up booze altogether. Wait a minute, can’t do that: giving up booze can lead to depression (last July).

Following the results of scientists’ research can be stressful. They are medical experts, after all, and I am not, so I dutifully obey each new set of instructions. One week I can’t get the stuff down my neck fast enough, the next I’m recoiling from the bottle as if it contained a cocktail of polonium-210 and anthrax spores mixed by a Mexican pig. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, and not only because half the time, on what are practically doctors’ orders, I’m leathered. It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

Source: telegraph.co.uk